Gratitude for our Life Together

Posted in Uncategorized by Priscilla Hunt on August 3, 2023

by Huw Christopher, Better Marriages Emeritus Member
Pasadena California

A few days after the death of my wife, Rachel, I was reading a daily devotional which we had frequently shared together. On that particular day, the meditation from the Henri Nouwen Society quoted some of the following words in which he said:

Marriage is not a lifelong attraction of two individuals to each other, but a call for two people to witness together to God’s love. . . . [The] intimacy of marriage itself is an intimacy that is based on the common participation in a love greater than the love two people can offer each other. The real mystery of marriage is not that [two people] love each other so much that they can find God in each other’s lives, but that God loves them so much that they can discover each other more and more as living reminders of God’s divine presence. They are brought together, indeed, as two prayerful hands extended toward God and forming in this way a home for God in this world. The same is true for friendship. Deep and mature friendship does not mean that we keep looking each other in the eyes and are constantly impressed or enraptured by each other’s beauty, talents, and gifts, but it means that together we look at God, who calls us to God’s service.

(Daily Meditation from the Henri Nouwen Society for February 22, 2021)

My first inclination after reading these words was to want to share them and talk about them with Rachel and for us to reflect together on how true they had been in our marriage. As I faced the reality again of her death and that such a discussion was not possible my second inclination was that of gratitude for the many different ways in which these words had been true in our over 48 years of marriage.

My next thought was to share these words with others in the hope that from them you may grow in gratitude for all of the ways in which your lives have been enriched because of your relationship together in marriage. Even if you do not believe in God or a Higher Power at work in your lives, I would invite you to reflect and to dialogue together knee to knee on my reflections and the questions that I pose from them.

The first aspect of gratitude came from reflecting on the fact that it is most unlikely that on our own we should have ever met.

Personal Reflection and Dialogue

How did you meet your spouse, was it something you anticipated or expected?

The second aspect of gratitude came from a willingness on the part of both of us to give up many of the plans and dreams we each had for our own lives in order to create something much better and more fulfilling than we could have ever anticipated.

Personal Reflection and Dialogue

How many of your own plans for your life have you been willing to give up in order to create something much better and more fulfilling together?

The third aspect of gratitude came from recognizing how my life had been enriched and my work as a Presbyterian pastor had been enhanced because of the support of Rachel, and I believe that she would have said that all that she sought to do with her life had been much better because of my support.

Personal Reflection and Dialogue

How much your life has been enriched because of the support of your spouse and how much you have enriched your spouse’s life through your support and encouragement?

The fourth aspect of gratitude came from acknowledging how our planning together for our future had made our lives so much easy during Rachel’s diagnosis with breast cancer and her treatments and how I felt that Rachel could even die in peace because she knew I was living as we had planned, and worked towards, in a retirement community where we had both come to know so much love and support.

Personal Reflection and Dialogue

How might we plan in such a way that could make the lives easier for either of you as you face the reality that one of you will one day be left on your own?

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