Default Mode | commitment | Blog | Better Marriages | Educating Couples - Building Relationships

Default Mode

Dear Eddie,

Last week, we took part in a Virtual Marriage Enrichment Group about Differences. A couple shared that when they are vulnerable, their differences rise up. Under stress, you and I often fall back into Default Mode. Our personal factory settings give us the illusion of safety.

In our marriage, those practices on both our parts can separate us from each other.

And I did it; right there in the rocking chair next to you on the porch, in the middle of a conversation about not Defaulting, I Defaulted. You remind me that it helps to name our own Defaults so we can recognize them. When I am threatened or vulnerable, I can slip into control and loneliness. I like that we practice “having the conversations,” in Wonderful Wednesdays. But yesterday, I turned to the next page, and it read “Needing Support.” My heart dropped, I teared up, and I changed the subject.

The day’s agenda included laser surgery on my eye—one of those 30 second procedures that office staff minimize as “you’ll just see a bunch of flashing light” when you know that lasers can bring down airplanes. I had decided that I was a big girl, that you had a meeting to attend, and that I could do this on my own. And, yes, I was “in control” and “lonely.”

So I ‘fessed up. Without hesitation, you said, “I’ve got your back.” I appreciate that we have learned to recognize our own Defaults and make better choices. When we are honest about our need for help, we draw closer together.

Thank you, precious friend, for accompanying me in a myriad of ways.