by Elizabeth Mitchell, BRIDES
photo by Wendell Webber/Courtesy of CNP Montrose
Misconceptions, myths, whatever you want to call them, when it comes to marriage, we all have our own preconceived notions about what life will look like as a twosome that, well, quite frankly aren’t true. From boring sex to finally being able to let go of yourself (um, heck no!), here are a few of the most common ones you should by no means buy into, that is if you want your marriage to last.
Married sex is boring
Real and satisfying intimacy is only attainable when you spend time with another person and you’re able to learn about them and vice versa, notes marriage consultant and coach Lesli Doares, author of Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage. “When you’re with someone you love and trust, it becomes easier to share and act out your fantasies.” Touché. While sex can get pretty boring if you let yourselves get stuck in a rut, according to Doares, studies have shown that married people not only have more sex, but also better sex than singles.
Once you have kids, it’s all about them
Rest assured brides, having kids doesn’t mean the end of life as you know it right now. Even though society has promoted this position, Doares says that putting the kids first all the time isn’t good for them, you or your marriage. “Children do better when they come from intact, two-parent households,” she explains. “Yes, they’ll soak up all the time and attention you’ll allow them to because they’re unaware of the lasting costs. However, in the long run, the best gift you can give them is to take really good care of your marriage.” And we concur!
Your partner’s job is to make you happy
In actuality, the only person who can do that is you. “Although, you can have a happily ever after marriage, your own contentment is ultimately a do-it-yourself project,” reveals Doares. You can’t depend on someone else to complete you in that way or you’ll wind up divorced, alone and depressed, trust us. As the saying goes, you have to make yourself happy first before you can even attempt to make someone else happy. And that’s a fact.
Marriages work better when you keep your dirty laundry to yourselves
Putting up a front like you have the perfect marriage isn’t healthy for anyone involved and only stunts the growth of your relationship. Generally speaking, we’re all afraid to not have proof of our enduring, exuberantly, happy love to post on Facebook, points out psychotherapist and author of Modern Brides and Modern Grooms, Mark O’Connell. “We’re afraid to let anyone know that we’ve failed, but we must. Letting our friends, therapist and systems of support in during a time of need is helpful to us and helpful to them as well.” You have to fail to succeed.
You can relax once you’re married
Anything worth fighting for takes work, including your marriage. So we hate to break it to you brides, but you can’t just slack off and get lazy once you tie the knot. “Continuing to take care of yourself so your partner continues to be attracted to you, making sure you still ‘date’ and thinking about how your actions impact your partner and relationship are all the things that need to keep happening throughout the years,” urges Doares. If you treat your marriage like you do your job, in the sense that you show up everyday willing to put forth your very best effort and are always looking for a way to do things better, you’ll be just fine.